They say it’s good to make a good first impression. To the asshole the first impression is very important. It sets the pace for the rest of the night so make sure you start things of right. A good asshole should always be impatient and should make it well known that waiting is unacceptable. Another good trait to make known early on is that nothing is good enough. When you are being seated never settle for the first booth your shown too. Say it’s dirty or you just don’t like it and request a different booth. After your seated you should quickly move before your waiter can find you.

Once the waiter does find you complain about how long it took them to get to you. That is a great way to start things with your waiter as you spend the rest of the night making them your bitch. When asked what you want to drink start off by ordering a couple drinks that aren’t on the menu and state that they should be. Once you finally pick a drink let the waiter go, but if you see them again before you get your drink call them over and remind them that just because you can’t have what you want doesn’t mean you’re not thirsty; they are serving you and nothing should come before that keep that in mind for the rest of the night. Now that you’ve finally got your drink immediately empty it so that your need a refill before they can walk away again. This works best though a straw for best effect, but if you can’t drink that fast just spill the drink instead. If you do go the spill route make sure you do it more then once so they know it’s not an accident but you are an ass. I’d three times works best some people will write the first two off as clumsy, don’t let them. Either way you go you should need several refills before the nights out. Explain to the food slave that you’re a drink optimist and your glass should always be at least half full.

Now it’s time to order your food and this is one of the hardest parts of the night to be an ass. But luckily I’ve devised a way to help you though this part. The more specific you can be during this part the better plus it helps you set up for later. Request that you want your food cut and arranged in a special way. Request that all your food should be on separate plates because you have a complex that your food can’t touch. It doesn’t really matter because when you get it it’s all going to be wrong anyways. Your steak/bugger is over done and you need another one, your sides are all under cooked and unseasoned/bland. When you get your food the second time it should just be good enough to send back only because your still in a hurry. While you’re eating you should make the biggest mess possible. Any thing you have to add to the food should be added to the table. The table should look like it hasn’t been cleaned in a month before you leave. And when it comes to tipping as you leave I say leave as little as possible. Your goal with the tip is not to reward them for putting up with you but to let them know you are aware of the practice of tipping but you still want to be an ass. I say a one cent tip has a good effect.

Now these are some real specific things to try and are more advance asshole tendencies. If you start to feel guilty for some of the more rude tactics don’t forget to relay on the more generalized basic’s you can follow anytime. Ask for the manager, be disruptive/too loud, burp, etc. A good asshole knows how to push the limits of their waiter with out getting called out for being an ass. If they call you out that really ruins the experience for you. You want them to talk about you later but not to your face. With a little practice and this guide anyone can make a waiter want to quit they’re job. Good luck to all of you and enjoy the urine in your Mountain Dew.