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How to Act Rich - around common folks |
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Written by Andy
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Sunday, 03 February 2008 |
 Being wealthy and acting rich are very different things. One of those things involves having money - lots of it. Another of those things involves saying you have money - and lots of it. There are two different groups of rich assholes in the world - the rich and the wealthy. Here is a guide for poor people to act as though they're rich assholes.
1.ALWAYS REFER TO OTHERS AS POOR FOLK - Actually, always refer to others as folk - even if they have lots of money. Using this word makes people seem as though they are under you - class-wise. This is the correct way of thinking if you want to ask as though you have money. Try looking in a mirror and say the following sentence:JUDY AND I WERE AT THE GALLA AND WE WERE SURROUNDED BY POOR FOLK. See? Doesn't that make a lot of sense? If it doesn't, try saying it again.
2.ALWAYS TALK ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE YOU'VE MET IN HOLLYWOOD - Really, you don't even need to have traveled to California for this. Just pick a washed-up celebrity that people don't remember anymore. Or, just think back to when your parents took you to Disneyworld a few years back and imagine that Mickey Mouse was actually someone famous. Now, insert their name with everything you've done with Mickey. Even when he took you back into the broom closet and showed you an intimate version of FANTASIA.
3.IF ANYONE TRIES TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT RICH, DON'T EVER TALK TO THAT PERSON AGAIN - Friends come and go, but acting rich can last forever. If one of your best friends tries to BE REAL with you and explain how the world really works, just don't talk to them again. They're delusional with the TRUTH and that's not the world you want to experience.
4.TELL EVERYONE THAT THE HOUSE YOU CURRENTLY LIVE IN IS YOUR non-show-off HOUSE - In some cases, your current residence may not pass as a RICH home - so tell everybody that asks you about this that you're getting your Malibu house re-wallpapered by some illegal immigrants. People usually buy this excuse because only rich, stupid people wallpaper their houses anymore. Poor folks just use paint.
5.BUY A LOT OF GUNS - nothing screams I've got money like a crazy person who owns a lot of guns. Trust me, nobodies going to argue with you. Nobodies gonna say shit to you about your so-called fortune. Go ahead and get those guns.
6.EATING IN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS IS FOR CHUMPS - Anyone can spend a grand in a fancy restaurant. It takes a real rich motherfucker to order chinese food, buy a couple fake china plates at the Salvation Army, wipe off a few pieces of cheap silverware, and LOOK like you're eating as a king. Oh, you are the king, buddy. You're the king of acting like you're rich!
7.GET A HOT GIRLFRIEND, AND THEN DUMP HER - everyone knows that rich people are homosexuals. You need to have a hot girlfriend for a week or two, though. That's just the protocol for rich people. Then, when people least expect it, you need to turn gay. Sorry, it's not my laws, it's just the rules. You gotta take one for the team, alright?
8.MONEY IS FOR THE POOR - Rich people don't have to pay for anything. If you want to seem as though you're rich, you need people to start giving you things. Sponging off of you will eventually happen, but for the time being, you need people to give you everything because they think you don't need it. That's the main rule of being rich. This is very important. Get people to give you everything they can.
9.MAKE A MYSPACE PAGE - actually, this goes for every list or guide on the planet. Everyone needs a Myspace Page. How else will you get 2,000 friends who don't know your name?
10.MOVE AWAY TO A SMALLER TOWN IF PEOPLE GET SUSPICIOUS - Actually, this is a good tip. Smaller towns are usually cheaper to live in, anyway. Move somewhere that nobody would ever think of looking for you. Stop talking to all your old friends. Start lying to a bunch of new people. Pretty soon, you're rich - or, at least that's what everyone will say about you.
I hope this list helps you out. |
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Last Updated ( Sunday, 03 February 2008 )
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