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A Guide for Getting Through Valentines Day |
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Written by Andy
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Thursday, 07 February 2008 |
 Every year, people get down in the dumps about a little terrorizing holiday called VALENTINES DAY. This holiday depresses the hell out of a good portion of the population. For years, this holiday had me in it's clutches, as well. I was always dreading this day and tried very hard to sleep through the entire 24 hours. That never seemed to work. This year, though, I'm doing things a little bit differently. I've developed a guide to help other people get the same satisfaction out of this horrible holiday, too.
1.SWEAR OFF WOMEN OR MEN - First things' first. You need to recognize what the problem is. The problem with this holiday is that THE MAN wants you to be with a significant other on this day. THE MAN wants you to spend money on candy, flowers, dinner, and other romantic gestures on Valentines Day - and it's not even tax deductible. That's bullshit. Just go ahead and realize that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life. Trust me, if you follow this guide, you will be.
2.FIND A HAPPY COUPLE AND MURDER THEM - this is really the start of the guide. You see, if you murder a happy couple on this special day, then an angel can finally get her wings. An Angel of Death, that is. A happy-go-lucky Angel of Death that can follow you around and watch the carnage while she twitters about and plays a happy little song on her flute - or whatever the fuck she does. I've never seen an Angel of Death, but I'm sure she will be playing a fucking flute. I also believe that Jesus is Mexican - but that's another story.
3.TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT UNTIL EASTER - See, that's another holiday that people find holy. You need to figure out a way to keep from getting busted until Easter. If you're lucky, the media will name you something really cool. You could be the DEVIL OF VALENTINES DAY or CASANOVA CANNIBAL (but, you'd have to eat your victims if you want that title).Anyways, just try to stay out of the limelight until Easter.
4.BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE HOLIDAY - When they do take you down to the police station (because everybody gets caught) just blame Valentines Day as the root of all of this. Maybe you can make up some story about how it hurts to much to go on living because your girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you, or maybe the media keeps trying to make people feel SPECIAL or your favorite TV show is doing re-runs because of the writer's strike, or maybe because you're just sick of society. Whichever option you go with, just make sure it's well planned out. You should write down ideas at your house beforehand. This will help you remember ideas when it comes down to show time.
5.PLEAD INSANITY BUT DON'T BE CONVINCING - When you actually go to trial, plead temporary insanity, but don't make it sound too convincing. If you get found guilty (with a fun-tastic trial filled with shocked parents and crying mothers) then you'll probably get sentenced to death. Don't worry too much about that, though. With the court system in America, it's going to be at least 10-15 years before that will happen. In the mean time, you'll finally get to be alone in a cell and you don't have to watch TV or hear anything about Valentines Day again. Taa-daa!
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 07 February 2008 )
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