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How to Successfully Fall down a Flight of Stairs |
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Written by Andy
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Thursday, 06 March 2008 |
 Each year, statistics tell us that hundreds of millions of people get seriously hurt of die as a result of falling down flights of stairs the wrong way. Hopefully this guide will help at least one person this year in avoiding a very sudden and painful death.
For this guide, we're going to imagine that we're dealing with a Victorian-style replica Queen Ann 15-stair set. The width will be 5 feet, 2 inches. The handrails will be loose and shaky, so they will be unusable if you try to grab at them. We also must imagine that you're falling in the center, so trying to grab over to the side is not really going to be an option. This guide is all about falling - and we want to make sure you fall... but fall correctly.
1. DON'T PANIC - You're at the top of the stairs, you look over and begin to slip. Your first instinct may be to panic. Don't do that. When faced with falling down stairs, cats don't panic and neither do ninjas. You need to think of yourself as a ninja cat right now and not panic.
2. BRING THOSE ARMS BACK IN - When you take your first series of tumbles, you may want to throw your arms out and try to grab onto things or flail about like a big dumb falling thing. You need to remember this - you are not a bird, so stop trying to fly away. Bring those arms back to you and guard your nipples like somebody's gonna give you the mother of all titty-twisters. With your hands, try to cover these three regions at the same time: your head, your nipples, and your crotch-area.
3. STOP DROP AND ROLL - this is the common code for fires. Well, if you take the STOP out of the equation, then it's also the common system of falling down a flight of stairs. Of course you can't stop, but you can definately drop and roll. Try turning yourself into that boulder that almost killed Indiana Jones in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Trust me, nobody is going to judge you if you look strange doing it. Hell, you're falling down stairs. There's little else you can do.
4. DROP YOUR WEAPONS - this is actually a very important step. I should have mentioned it earlier, but I really wanted you to think about the boulder from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Anyways, you should keep in mind that when you fall down stairs you may be rolling over any items you have in your hands before you take the plunge. So, once you start to go down with gravity, make sure you remove any weapons (such as pencils, scissors, or Katana swords) from your hands or body as quickly as you can. Also, try to remember not to throw any of these things at people who may be witnessing you take your final steps on earth. You don't want to hurt anyone else, do you? What would Budda think about that?
5. TRY NOT TO TALK - I've witnessed this too many times to count. People fall down stairs while trying to keep telling the story they had started before the slip. People - stop talking. You're trying to concentrate on your fall now. You can tell me about the latest celebrity sex tape that unearthed on the internet after you land. I'll wait.
6. STOP TRYING TO WALK - again, another mistake that people make when losing their footing on stairs is to try and walk it out. This will not work. You're falling - keep doing that. Just tuck and roll down those stairs. If you can't seem to manage to walk at the top of the stairs, what makes you think you're gonna start walking at the middle or end of the stairs?
7. YOU'VE FALLEN AND YOU SHOULDN'T GET UP - Ok, now that you've taken your tumble, what's next? Well, you really should remain there. If anyone has seen you fall, what they don't want to see next is for you to stand up and take a bow. Just relax, pal. This is where you get your I HURTED MY TUSHY points. Just milk this fall for everything it's worth. Usually people will do anything for you once they've seen a fall this brutal-looking. (remember, if you've followed my instructions up to this point, you should be fine) Just let people take care of you for the next day or so. Take a couple days off work or school. Just kick back and let people think you did something as terrifying as wrestled a family of English-speaking bears.
8. DEVELOP A PHOBIA OF STAIRS - this is your chance to start a fun, new phobia. CLIMACOPHOBIA is the fear of stairs, climbing, or falling down stairs. You can now tell everyone that you're afraid of these killers and they have to believe you. This means that never again will you be forced into going up or down these dreaded monsters. Isn't that neat?
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 06 March 2008 )
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