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How to Dodge A Speeding Bullet |
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Written by Andy
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Monday, 21 July 2008 |
 How many times has this happened to you: You say the wrong thing to your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend and they pull out a gun and threaten to shoot you? I know it seems like a very unlikely situation, but you never know when (or where) this could be YOUR situation. What are you gonna do? Are you going to cry like a little bitch? Are you going to agree to each and every demand that they ask of you? Are you going to urinate on yourself? Do you like the smell of pee on your jeans? Or, are you going to learn (*QUICKLY) how to dodge some damn bullets? Well, this is the guide for you...
HOW TO DODGE A SPEEDING BULLET
1. ONE AT A TIME, FELLAS - A wise person once told me not to jump from a moving train until I mastered jumping from my bunk bed. Look, don't try to dodge a machine guns' bullets until you've successfully learned how to dodge one bullet at a time. Now, before we begin, you will need a couple of things. One of those things is a loaded gun. Try a hand gun. Give it to a friend. Make sure that friend is trust-worthy. Did you recently do anything to make this person mad at you? Are you sleeping with his girlfriend? Have you taken pictures of his mother blowing the entire Atlanta Braves and create a porn site to pay for your college experience? Are you bribing his dad with exposing him as the grand master of the KKK? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, then please find another friend to try this with. Quickly.
2. LET'S STRETCH - One of the most important things you can do before dodging bullets (besides eating a well-balanced meal) is to stretch. I know that under most circumstances you won't be stretching before your angry girlfriend pulls a gun on you (if she loves you she'll let you stretch first), but just bare in mind that for this excersize you'll need to stretch. Alright. Let's start with some basic Yoga. We'll start with upwards begging dog, and then let's move into my favorite - dinosaur dung-sniffer. Now let's go into the Antelope Farting pose. Ahhhhh. Doesn't that feel good? Are you ready for the bullet now?
3. ON WITH THE SHOW, FOLKS - Alright, you've stretched, and you're probably ready for some damn bullet catching. Here's where all your stretching will come in handy. Have your friend (boy or girl, it doesn't matter) turn away from you and walk back 30 paces. Paces are actually the same as steps. Just tell them to walk back 30 steps. No more, no less. You need time to react. This is a good distance. Once they have walked back 30 step. Have them face you. Put your game face on.
4. LET THE BULLETS FLY - Tell your friend to take the safety off the gun. Have them aim it at you. Since this is probably your first time, tell them to aim right at your chest. You need to clench both fists down by your side. This helps. Also, grit your teeth a little bit. Think of yourself in a movie. A movie like THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. You can be Clint Eastwoods character. Softly to yourself, count to three and yell FIRE!!!!!!!!!
5.LET THE BULLETS FLY - PART 2 - Now, as soon as you yell fire, you need to try and control time and space and the speed of this bullet with your mind. Just slow down the world right now. This should make the bullet super slow and you'll be able to see how its moving towards you. If this works, then just step out of the way. Don't reach out and grab the bullet though. It's probably hot.
6. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T CONTROL TIME AND SPACE?!?!?! - So, you can't slow down the bullet? Oh, you're fucked. By the time that you're thinking about all of this, the bullet will probably hit you in the side. Ouch!!!!! There's the blood! Yeah, that's a lot of blood. There's some permanent injuries there. I'm not sure that a doctor will be able to do anything for you. Has your friend run away yet? He will. He just murdered you. Oh, you're not dead yet, but you soon will be. Seriously, next time, you need to mention to me that you can't control time and space. Didn't you see THE MATRIX? That shit was tight! You gotta learn that shit. Well, it's too late now, but, fuck, that was crazy. How are you feeling?
7. THE WORLD IS FADING - You're still alive, right? How's it going? Yeah, I know. You have a bullet in your side. The blood is creating a small pool around your body. Hey, don't blame me! If you keep pointing at me, I'll just leave. Well stop being a dick about all of this then! I didn't pull the trigger, did I? Hell, how was I to know you would actually try this? I'm not a specialist or anything. Fuck, I just watch a lot of movies! Speaking of which, did you ever get a chance to watch THE BROWN BUNNY? It really sucked, but there was this awesome scene with Chloe (from KIDS) who gives this guy a great blow-job. No, it was a REAL blow job. They showed everything. Seriously, it was better than the Paris Hilton video. Please stop laughing, you're just making things worse for yourself.
8. SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE - Well, what do you want me to do? Who do you want me to tell them shot you? Should I just go ahead and put you out of your misery? Look, one bullet to your brain would probably do the trick. It would be over sooner than later. Oh, just just want me to call a doctor? Ok. I'll do that. Please stop crying. Do you have a phone on you? I'm almost out of minutes on mine. Your battery's almost dead? Well, should we try it? Give it here. I'm not reaching in your pockets. You get it. YOU GET IT!!! Fine, I'll get it. Which pocket?
9. THE POLICE ARE ALMOST HERE - Well dude, I need to get going. I'm going to be late for work. Hey, just stay here. I hear some police sirens. Just please don't mention me. It was your fucking friend. He shot you. Oh, and ask the police how much a bullet proof vest may cost. If you try this again, you'll need one of those... Yeah, we should have thought of that first. Well, it slipped my mind. Next time, though. Alright, peace, I'm outta here!
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Last Updated ( Monday, 21 July 2008 )
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